Cry Me A River
by Charlotte Wexton
I shivered in the cold autumn morning and wrapped my arms tighter around my legs. I should have brought a jacket yet, I knew deep down that it wouldn’t have made any difference. I rubbed my hands together hoping to dispel the chill that threatened to turn my heart in to ice.
The river flowed by me. It didn’t care about the girl sitting at its bank or the steady breeze that shifted her hair. None of that mattered. It had a destination, a purpose and nothing could stop it, not even the fallen tree nearby that had tried to act as a blockade. The river simply wound around it.
I gazed out at the mighty river remembering an eight-year-old boy and girl. A tear rolled down my cheek and as I reached up to brush it away, more unshed tears began to sop from my eyes. I thought of the little boy and the promises we had made to each other so long ago. A leaf picked up by the river appeared in my view and I watched as it soon became overwhelmed by the currents and fell away into the depths below. We would never be able to keep those promises.
A distant memory of sirens and a dark lonely night threatened to drift into mind. I shook my head and turned my focus on a new memory, a sunny day with clear skies and two friends who didn’t quite understand the horrors of the world.
“Aren’t you afraid, Daemon?” I asked hesitantly.
“No. Not really,” he replied. “You’re here.”
We both looked down at the drop below us. Our toes dangled in midair, unsure whether they should prepare themselves to be put back on solid ground or thrust into the waters below.
“Daemon? I’m scared.”
“Look, maybe if we hold hands we will be less afraid. It can’t be that bad since other kids have jumped all day.”
I peered over the edge and immediately jumped back, pulling Daemon with me. “I can’t do it. It’s too far, we might get hurt.”
Daemon swung me around to face him. “If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to. We can just ask your mom to take us back down the hill to the dock. We can get in the lake that way.”
“But you have wanted to jump off this ledge all summer. Don’t let my fears hold you back. I can walk down with my mom and join you down there.”
“I’m not jumping without you. If you don’t jump, then, I don’t jump.” He crossed his arms and his mouth tightened in to a slim line. I knew that expression. He wasn’t going to jump, not unless I went with him.
I sighed. “Daemon…”
“No, not unless you join me.”
I looked back at the rock and shuddered. “I can’t let you miss out on something you’ve wanted to do all summer.”
Daemon looked into my eyes. “Katy, I know that this frightens you. If it is not something you want to do, I don’t want to force you to do this.”
“You’re not forcing me to do this,” I mumbled.
“Think of this cliff as a challenge,” Daemon began to explain. “It’s a stepping stone that could lead to new things.”
“What kind of things?”
“Well, for starters a bigger ledge.”
“Oh no, we haven’t even tackled this one yet. I can’t jump from a higher one.”
Daemon chuckled. “It’s okay, Katy. We will only move on when you feel ready, and I will be right there to help you, I promise.”
I grasped Daemon’s hand. “You promise that we’ll always be there to help each other keep going?”
“I promise.”
Taking a deep breath and keeping Daemon’s hand in mine, I walked toward the ledge again. “Okay, let’s do this.”
The memory faded away and I looked up from the river. The sun now hung over my head and the cool wind that had been present earlier had died away. I lifted my hands to my face and was surprised to find that my cheeks were covered in tears.
Daemon was gone. He couldn’t help me move on this time. He couldn’t help me do anything anymore. Raw emotion swept over me and I found myself sobbing uncontrollably in to my hands.
“Why?” I repeated over and over in my head. “Why him?”
When the tears finally subsided, I sat up and tuned out everything except the river. It was forever unchanging, and I could imagine Daemon as he was, strong and to me, invincible. I could see his smile, hear his laugh, and even almost feel his hand in mine.
Time froze for me. The past was so much alive, and I never wanted to leave. I thought about that day on the ledge and I realized why I was so hurt. Daemon had broken his promise. He hadn’t meant to, and yet he had.
It was like a new doorway opened up for me. My sorrow was replaced by anger. I was angry at him for leaving me alone in a world where there are so many boogeymen, so many ways to get damaged.
I was scared.
Daemon had been there for me throughout most my life and then when he was gone, I felt as if my lifeline had been tossed away and I would never get it back. Despair threatened to pin me down, to take away everything I was. I was falling down an endless dark hole and I couldn’t see the light. Fear took over and for those few minutes I lost track of who I was.
But then I remembered Daemon. I remembered the day at the ledge; I remembered everyday he made me smile or laugh. I pushed away the memory of that dark night, and I found hope. I found a reason to move on.
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